Friday Smiles 406: Just a few more funnies this week

 

It's Friday, which means it's time to join Annie (at A Stitch in Time) along with the wonderful ladies at Friday Smiles.  To be honest, for a second week in a row, I am not sure much has happened this week.  I have been thinking about Valentine's Day, but there is not much humor in that.  In lieu of anything fun to discuss this week, I give you a few funnies I found two years ago when I cleaned my office.

 

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.  

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. 

 

Q: My child won't eat fish.  What can I replace it with?

A: A cat.  Cats love fish.

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"  

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill." 

 

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away. 

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. 

 

Q: Why was six scared of seven?
A: Because seven "ate" nine.  

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted. 

 

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. 

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up. 

 

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.  

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything. 

 

A bank robber pulls out a gun and points it at the teller, then says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller asks, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"  

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"  

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands. 

 

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees. 

 

I have to admit, some of these are so bad, they are actually funny.  Others are just baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  I know others will have much better Friday Smiles this week.  Just so you don't feel too cheated 

I give you a photo of a very uncooperative subject, also known as Squiggles.

 

Finally, some of you have seen the memes that have shown up featuring

a very cold masked Bernie Sanders, a former Presidential candidate who attended the inauguration dressed in a nondescript winter coat and handmade wool mittens.  His image went viral and he now appears in many situations on many blogs.  Even my friend CJ showed Bernie on her blog on Wednesday.  Everyone seems to be getting in on the Bernie action.  People are SO clever adding him to their blogs and web sites.

 

Look at what happened to poor Bernie.  This is by far one of the funniest one I've seen.

 

Now let's head over to Annie's because she knows how to put a smile on everyone's faces.  And whatever you do, please don't forget to start your weekend off right with a few Friday Smiles of your own.  And remember, if you would like to play along, Annie would love to have you join us.