Friday Smiles 327

I really MUST learn to change my calendars.  I looked at an old calendar page on my computer desk and thought the 28th was on Tuesday, which it was last month.  However, after a few days of not paying attention to much as I was writing in my daily calendar, I realized the 28th was today, Friday.

While my friends at Friday Smiles, including our host Annie (at A Stitch in Time) are sitting down for afternoon tea, or catching up on the noon news in America, I will be heading to the airport to pick up my three "charges" for the next couple of weeks.  Since I thought they would already be here, I have nothing planned for today, other than the fact I can offer a few funnies.  Because this week is all about waiting for the children to arrive, it is only fair I share a few children jokes.  Out of the mouths of babes!!

A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall. 

Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour who the people on the wall were.

“Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for,” answered the policeman. “We call those wanted posters.”

Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. “Well,” he wondered, “why didn’t you just keep them when you took their picture?”

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was plagued by local kids who would sneak into his patch at night and steal watermelons. 

After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The sign reads, “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been poisoned.”

The farmer goes to inspect his field the next morning and finds a new sign that says, “Warning, now two of the watermelons in this field have been poisoned.”

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.

She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the summer. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over. 

“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget it for now. It’s dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we’ll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted, “you have to eat! We’ll get back to the wagon soon.”

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish.” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”

No one fails a class anymore…
They are merely “passing impaired.” 

You don’t have detention…
You’re just “exit delayed.”

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered…
It’s just “passive restrictive.”

Students aren’t lazy…
They are “energetically declined.”

Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk…
It’s just “closure prohibitive.”

Kids don’t get grounded anymore…
They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

Your homework isn’t missing…
It’s having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class…
You’re “rationing consciousness.”

You’re not late…
You just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

You’re not having a “bad hair day”…
You’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks…
You have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You’re not shy…
You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot…
You’re “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called “gossip” anymore…
It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful…
It’s “digestively challenged.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office…
You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but since only one of us can take him home we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute while the boys all looked at each other and lowered their heads. Just as the Reverend began to think he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and handed him the leash. “Alright, reverend,” he said, “You win. You can take him home.”

A woman and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. 

Engrossed in making a selection, the woman had lost sight of her child. “Reid!” she called out, noticing the boy was missing. “Reid!”

Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped into another customer.

“Pardon me, ma’am,” he said. “I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you’re just preaching to the choir. Most folks come here because they already like to read.”

Little Johnny’s father was a rector in a small church. When the bishop came to visit, Little Johnny became very excited. 

The bishop arrived late in the evening, well past Little Johnny’s bedtime. The next morning, Johnny asked his father if he would be allowed to meet the important man.

His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny take the bishop his tea and awaken him. His father gave him instructions: “first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him ‘It’s the boy, my Lord, it’s time to get up.'”

Little Johnny was very excited. He rehearsed his lines, repeating them over and over. Finally, the tea was ready and Little Johnny picked up the tray and left the kitchen for the bishop’s room.

A few minutes later, the important man–still in his bedclothes–came running through the kitchen, out the door and down the lane.

The father turned to his son and shouted, “What happened?”

“Well, father, I was so nervous I messed up my lines. I knocked on the door and said. ‘It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!'”




And finally because so many of you like Dr Seuss:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 

Thank you for joining me this week.  Next Friday the youngsters and I will (hopefully) have something to share.  Please don't forget to start your weekend off right by visiting Annie for a few Friday Smiles.  We would love to have you join us, too.